I go to the refrigerator and drink some of my best friends Bud Light because I ran out of my own. I know my best friend won’t mind because that’s what best friends do. They don’t mind when you are an asshole.One night I read some writing by Zachary German. It was ok.I brush my teeth in the shower.I sit on my carpet when I am naked. I don’t have a chair. But it doesn’t matter. I have a cloud.One Friday I lay on my back on the cloud.My eagles were all around me.I listened to myself sing.
Mystically.In the morning I was standing in the bathroom.I looked out the window. A cat was staring at me. The cat wasn’t sleeping because cats can’t use computers because they are too dumb to understand symantic webs. The cat cried two tears. I called the cat Chief Running Tears.Chief Running Tears and I became friends. We met up with The Golden Bear at a bar.The Golden Bear was fucking wasted.I told The Golden Bear and Chief Running Tears that Tao Lin was severely disillusioned and probably always very depressed, because his thoughts were more exciting to him than anyone’s else’s; and he understood the power of the internet, did not believe in such a thing as ‘charisma,’ and knew the possibility of a power outage as the power outage may cause many people across the country to commit suicide if they cannot access their various online accounts and community boards. I told The Golden Bear and Chief Running Tears to read “EEEEE EEE EEEE.” But then I took back my suggestion because the novel is actually not very good and just comes off as a book written by a guy who just found out about Fernando Pessoa. The Golden Bear said he probably shouldn’t read the book. I told him he was right.
The next day I had my eagles e-mail The Golden Bear. I told the eagles to tell The Golden Bear I was sorry for telling him not to read Tao Lin. As I told the eagles what to tell The Golden Bear I felt good about being honest. I thought, “Honestly is the best policy.” Honesty and kindness aren’t bad. The only thing to be angry at is people themselves. For not believing in their existence. We all force our assumptions and contexts onto other people. We must expect greatness. Each thought influences our actions and each action exists inside-and so influences-the world. That is the world. We should all care. I walked around the city and asked all the sleeping people at their computers if they had read Tao Lin.The people went, “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.”I saw a hamster. I asked the hamster is he had read Tao Lin.“Who is Tao Lin?” The hamster asked me.“Tao Lin read Fernando Pessoa and thought he was cool. He liked Pessoa’s idea that art was fun and beautiful because it was useless and had no meaning. He liked that Pessoa believed that life is not fun because there is always a goal. Tao Lin has no goal.
Tao Lin writes like he is sleeping through every beautiful sunset. Tao Lin writes like he hasn’t ever gone a long overnight backpacking trip into the Ozarks. Tao Lin writes like a person sitting in their room alone and sad, reading Fernando Pessoa and finding a calming sensation within his words and typing all of his pointless thoughts into his blog.” Tao Lin and people like Tao Lin write without a goal. And that is why the world is sleeping through all this destruction. We are goalless. It is time to change all of that. It is time to let out all of this sadness in our tears. It is time to collect our tears and filter out the sadness until they become tears are happiness and passion. And we must march. We must carry onward through this haze. I cry two tears everyday of my life because apathy is kills every dream of every person around me. The world is falling asleep because art has lost its power.
I am Two Tears Boye. I am the American Mystic Man. I am one of the only who still believe.I am looking for anyone who is still awake and reading.I am looking for anyone…Are you still out there? Do you feel mystic when you are alone? You are not alone. We are all together. I will slap you in the face if you don’t believe me. I will go on a crying rampage across this country. I will flood all of you out and start anew. Eat that shit. And grin about it.