Chapter Four

I am eating a four course meal because I am rich in mystic wonder. I can feed you if you are hungry. I can pilot the spoon airplane right into all of your mouths at once and I can say over the breaker, “Chhhhh haaaaaaa chhh do not give up on life just yet. Come in. Do not eat your Anathema Charms. Remember your mother. Niner. Remember the happiness you felt as a child. Charlie. Chhh haaa chhhh. Over.” And then I would be gone and you would be sitting there, your hunger satisfied, the smile on your face not shit-eating but real and true. You would feel like you were wearing a dusty, one million year old artifact across your face. And then I would say, “No, no don’t worry. It’s ok.”
What if Jhumpa Lahiri fell in love with me? Would I spurn her? No. I would marry her. I would take the diamond-studded cruise ship in which she resides and I would sell it. And I would buy back my land from Ted Turner. The Pulitzer Prize is afraid of me because it is merely an object and I am a force.
I cry two tears .
I have written many stories and letters and myths. I have story collections. I have never submitted anything. I don’t know how. I am that damn mystic. But I have still felt rejection. You have rejected me. You have put yourself before the land you step on. Success, money, power, fame, happiness, friends; the pleasures of today-give it all away, in this mystic life, with the knowledge that everything will be returned if you correct the harm we have done to this world. In each of my stories every character believes they can change the world. Every story is a thousand pages and about the pointlessness in writing about pointlessness because pointless thoughts are pointless when you try and make a point its like not making a point because pointless points are not points but things that make fun of points kind of its all, pointless, pointless, pointless, no future, pointless, pointless, pointless, pointless, pointless, pointless, pointless, pointless, pointless, pointless.
In the Badlands of South Dakota everything is calm and quiet. I have a feeling that I am being filmed for that show Man vs. Wild. I need to do whatever it takes to survive. I will eat every plant. I will bite the heads off of scorpions. I drink my mystic urine. If I had a show called Mystic Man vs. Wild it would be way more mystic than Man vs. Wild because 1) I would be more mystic 2) I wouldn’t broadcast it because I hate TVs. Oh got you again. All my pop culture references are all sarcastic because I am just bored and pointless. Not. It’s all sarcastic. Or is it? What is the point? Is there a point? Yes. Believe in the mystic. Go outside.
There is a person with a laptop passed out at a Starbucks. They are going “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ”. Then again “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ”. I smash their laptop with a sledgehammer I find in the street. I feel like Thor but way more mystic with better hair. Yes. It’s possible. I find The Industry passing out money on the street in a suit.
“Hey The Industry there is a guy passed out there. Going ‘ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ’.”
“Why the fuck should I care. Ha. Ha. Ha!” The Industry says.
I keep walking. Mystically.
More people go, “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.”
The Industry goes, “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.”
Everyone goes ,“ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.”
Everyone except The Golden Bear and my mystic self. We are immune to boredom. And laziness. But not ladies. We love the ladies.
A lot more would be happening right now in the novel if everyone wasn’t bored and asleep at their computers.
“ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?!?!” “OH.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.” “ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZ.”
The Golden Bear and I walk into a room full of the entire population of Arkansas sleeping.
The Golden Bear stares at me. Then gives me a goofy smile.
While staring at me The Golden Bear licks an ice cream cone.
The Golden Bear sees the thermostat and turns it down.
I lie on a bed next to a sleeping baby and cry two tears.
When I stop crying I am warmer.
The Golden Bear looks at me.
The Golden Bear picks up a cookie.
“Put it back,” I say.
“I just put it back,” The Golden Bear says.
“I know.”“I need to get something,” The Golden Bear says. The Golden Bear goes downstairs and comes back with a shirt with a big heart on it. The heart is red. The shirt itself is yellow.“Hands Across America,” The Golden Bear says. “It worked one time.”
The Golden Bear puts out his paws and grabs my hand.“I’m happy and caring,” The Golden Bear says. “These people need to wake up.”“I bet people in Japan are awake.” I say.“Where in Japan?”“A house,” I say.“A house. What city?”“A house by a river,” I say.“Ok. That was pointless.” The Golden Bear says.I go to my cloud and sit there. Mystically.I cover my face with an American flag.I cry two tears into the American flag.The Golden Bear hugs me like a good friend does.I feel like Will Smith in I Am Legend and The Golden Bear is my dog, my only companion in this world of darkness.I want to invite the entire world to come sit on a tree branch with me. We will find a giant sequoia so the branch doesn’t break. Everyone is too tired and bored to stop all this pollution. Before long all the trees will be gone and strip malls will be treated like National Parks. We must stop it. For me. For Cactus Ed. For everything.The world is depressed. The world needs kindness and honesty. I am too worried about the state of the environment to be happy. We could all be joining hands right now and singing in one voice and chanting in one voice and moving across the nation in one movement. We could be like “D2: The Mighty Ducks” where the ducks and the other top players from around the country try to move as one while tied up on the ice. We are all the top players of this country. We can all move together. Why so much fighting? Why so much boredom? Why so much apathy? We can change it if we try. Why isn’t this happening right now? Why aren’t we uprising?